Jonathan - Age 38 -

Just before I left I drank the half empty (half full) bottle of whiskey. Now it's true: nothing remains in this house that I want to be apart of. There's a letter on the stool plainly addressed: "Adrian," but this time there are no hearts, no smiley faces, not even so much as an underline.

Then I depart.

A lie. That's what I've been living. Every time I say "I love you" and every moment I touched her hand, it was false. Now this mask melted off and what remains is a person that I no longer know. One that knows no love. It's amazing how much negativity can be cherished. Rather than looking "over the rainbow," one can stand in the rain and scream toward the sky as tiny drops of pity fill a wide open mouth. The messages pile up on my phone and one swipe erases part of a life I wish to call a revised chapter. Now that freedom seems to be the only thing calling me and leaving messages...

The biggest question is where do I go?

Diary entry #44 - age 26 - James

Strangely today I have thought about roller blading, dancing, sleeping and sending a postcard to my Aunt Angie. To you this may mean nothing, but to me there is a peculiar taste in the air. My mind can not coincide with logic and therefore my heart reforms. I remember at a young age, being turned on by my 2nd grade teachers free flowing blouse. Growing up I would masturbate to Victoria's Secret Catalog (and I own a free of the Valentines Day collections). Now I find sexual gratification as entertaining as PBS spotlights. I often blow my nose in the same tissue I released in thirty minutes prior, not at all comforting.

Suddenly I realized why today has been a day of days. It is my birthday, so instead of 26 I should write the entry at 27, making this year number 3 without a woman to say I love you, and year number 4 that I reside at this self loathing occupation. The highlight of my year was my colleagues menstruation. So happy birthday to me.

Diary entry #453 - age 19 - Jaclyn

"I feel lonely. This loneliness is not the absence of a particular person. I feel lonely from myself. The presence of my soul is dismal, a calamity of thoughts occupy my soul, bringing darkness and seclusion to the forefront. I never wanted to be president, an attorney or anyone of importance. Just to be happy. Untroubled from my career and unhindered from social parallels, I just wanted to be satisfied with life. Yet I feel I can see my life across from. The life I wanted to have and the life I live. The one I wanted to give and the one that takes. I have made mistakes which has led to this equidistant separation. What do I do to get back? My life is fucked and my daughter is doomed to a disaster. I already hear the laughter from family and friends thinking I couldn't raise kin. I'll prove them wrong, but first I must delete this song of repeated loneliness and rearrange it to a chord of independence."

Diary entry #523 - age 20 - Jaclyn

"Today, was a very trying day. I didn't expect it to go well at all; as a matter of fact, I could give a shit if it went well at all. What the hell does she want? Why? After all this time, why would she want to come back? Acting as if dialogue existed between us, I don't care if she has 'always loved me,' because she hasn't. If she did, she would have been there. Instead of the excuses of why she hasn't. I don't want her to see Kayleigh, she doesn't exist in her world and I want to keep it that way. She has some nerve, prying back into my life, after leaving in the middle of night. This is officially marked as one of the worst days of my life, I hate my mom, better yet I hate Caroline... she doesn't deserve the title of mother."

Diary entry #34 - age 16 - Jaclyn

"I wonder if he knew that same spot that he touches frightens me as much as it turns me on. The treasured area at which I dispose all my frustration is the weak point of my soul. The ravaged most cherished most abused of my possessions. The one I am supposed to control, has been in everyone else's jurisdiction except for my own. Taking and pleasing as they wish. Don't get me wrong, they aren't raping me, they aren't hurting me, but they aren't loving me. Isn't it supposed to be used for love?"

Diary entry #124 - age 17 - Jaclyn

"There is this attraction I cannot subdue. This guy I am drawn to, who possess no inclination to progress. Yet, I find every essence of his 'I don't care demeanor' so flawlessly attractive. He doesn't even smile in my direction, but he looks. So I know he cares, maybe not enough to say hello, but enough to wonder: How can this girl four years younger than me give me what I need? I know enough. Besides what's it to him, I just think he's cute, so that one thing he wants from me, I want right back. Just once. What's one more partner, its not like I have anything special for anyone to have anyways..."

Diary entry #405 - age 19 - Jaclyn

"I wish he still looked at me the same. No matter how much I seem to love him, he allows his pain to hurt me. I could never understand how his hard blows could result in him telling me 'I love you so much.' People look at me and compliment the beautiful girl, cherishing my physical appearance, but I feel so ugly inside. I feel ugly outside. If you looked at my arms, or lifted my shirt, the bruises camouflage what beauty you see. I never will be as good as he wants me to be, in fact I was never good enough for anyone. That's why mom left, that's why dad hit me. There's no single reason I should live."

"Except for her, she's not even four months and I see my life's traits happening all over for her to experience. I can't let her live like that. I want her to smile everyday in life."